It's always darkest before the dawn

This icon is soothing. It is going to rain all weekend; a storm is approaching. And I would like nothing more than to spend it seated by some books with a giant mug of tea, my scented book candles, and my writing tools.

Today is the first day of NaNo. I brewed some coffee in honor of it, and have been psyching myself up. The day started poorly. My back was screeching, my family was screeching, I started screeching. :S I was at the end of my patience for the 10000000000th time this Summer/Fall. There are times when living here seems unnavigable. I am caught in this cycle of stress and recovery, feeling fatigued and using times of increased energy to simply enjoy being a functioning human being rather than seizing on the opportunity to be more productive.

I need to protect myself better on a daily basis (aside from carrying around a tired nugget of pyrite that likely needs to be recharged a bit more often). I realized earlier that my back pain when it is ridiculously intense and subject to sudden changes is probably the result of my storing up stress physically for days until it builds and I feel as if I am being stabbed in the lower back. It dissipates once the stress is relieved. Also, it is not my own stress alone that I am carrying. Much as I try not to and to distance myself from unhealthy situations, I am still motherfucking absorbing other peoples goddamned energy! Now I am storing it in my body as pain. Lovely. Or as Dustin from Stranger Things would say, "Well, shit."

I am so glad that I am writing in here again. I have a "writing journal", but it is nice to be able to unload here in a less pressured environment (one in which I am not so self-consciously trying to perform). Back in the days when I had nobody to really talk to, I journaled every day and immersed myself in activities. Those days are back again to an extent. I certainly lack the stimulation that I once had. But I have spent far too many nights quaffing wine and talking to myself when I could have been writing here where no matter how often that I spin my gears on a much visited subject, no one is going to judge me. And this slows me down. I can type rather quickly, especially when I have a head full of steam, though never can I be as prolific as I am prolix. I can talk with a rapidity that makes other people gasp when I am properly enthused. >.>
And writing in here seems to sort my head and to get me back on track when I am tired and stressed and no longer confident that I can pull off proper English grammar in the wake of a volatile argument. It was more than twelve hours ago, but I am still smarting, and yawning. Fuck.

Definitely need to work on casting barriers. *reaches for that psychic handbook* There is an entire chapter on erecting pretty shields, not that I lack for imagination. Oh damn. I forgot how informative this thing is. Why have I not read it from cover to cover? Self-care, I lack it.

I dreamt about my grandfather Alex last night. I have not had a dream about that place in years and I dream about it on All Hallow's Eve. It was pleasant though. He was trying to help me. He had hoarded some things and was trying to give me one of value the he thought I could sell. :( I did think about him a couple of weeks ago about how even though he could be rather odd and was not very cordial to my mother, to say the least, that he always concerned himself with what I was doing, that he noted and encouraged my interests and would set aside books and magazines for me and my cousin. He'd write our names on labels and label the magazines accordingly. He noticed the things that I liked.

There has got to be more to life than just worrying all the time, stressing, and waiting. I am going to finish that outline before the weekend so that I can catch up with my word count. I need this.

I think that it goes without saying that I have not written today (for NaNo) yet. :P

I keep thinking that it is Friday and then I realize that it is Thursday, which while usually cause for celebration has resulted multiple times in my thinking disappointedly to myself, "Oh."

The week was going pretty swimmingly-ish. Or at least, whatever frustrations I did encounter I was able to handle without much self-inflicted drama (meaning thinking overmuch and wondering inwardly about things until I frittered away my free time with worrying). Then in the space of twelve hours I got hit with, well, drama is the only apt word (times three even). I realized though, and perhaps this is something important that I do need to realize/address, that my thoughts and reactions are my own and that while certain people and behaviors are annoying, they do not dictate my response. I can choose not to react overly emotionally, to get sucked in.

My exercise regimen sort of imploded during the past week. I had to be careful of my back though. Been walking or riding my bike a bit since they are fairly gentle forms of exercise. Just caught myself slouching. >.>...

Looking out my window, I am really appreciating the street that I live on. Sure, it's noisy. I do have a buffer of a few car spaces and various trees and sidewalk (as well as being on the second floor) so it is not as if the road is right upon me. It can be quite noisy though, especially on the weekends late at night with haloo-ing etc.. But it is also nice to be able to stand at the window/door and to look out and watch bikes, pedestrians and cars (and hummingbirds) go by. It would be different in a quiet room in a house removed from busy streets. It sounds lovely, but here, even if I do not go very far or if I spend the weekend near to my desk, I can still be close to activity of some sort. I never feel completely removed from society, even if I have no idea who any of these people are (most of the time).

I currently have an impressive stack of books for "research" purposes. I was going to try to make a skeletal outline for the book/project/thingy I am working on though I keep having turns of mind that cause me to scribble or backspace or rethink something. I like to have A Plan before proceeding, but sometimes that is not entirely possible. At some point, I will likely be at a place where I am comfortable discussing it, though not at the moment. There is so much work to be done. Trying to fit in time for this as well as practice is seriously challenging some days.

But I did turn another corner practice-wise yesterday evening. I played something at tempo that did not sound like crap to me or like bits of it were so-so timing-wise. I just hit it and it worked, at least once which is cool even if I did not replicate it again all evening. Still, a breakthrough. Basically, the fingers of my left hand are more responsive/quicker. I do loads of maddening finger exercises. They are not as bad as some of the ones I have seen out there though. They can be meditative and enjoyable, especially when you begin to master them and play them to speed.
How anyone can tolerate Czerny finger exercises though is beyond me! They're mind numbing. There are all of these methods and dusty books written over a hundred years ago or more that set forth the "proper" way in which you should approach the study of classical piano. And mad debates occur online between people who swear upon one or the other. And who swear that doing one will bust your fingers/give your carpal tunnel/drive you crazy!
It is fun to just sit and read people getting worked up about it. Basically you need to speak with people/have a tutor who have experience and exercise common sense. Don't play until you are in pain or play seven days a week even if the thin, powerful muscles in your forearms are throbbing.

It is a bit warm this evening.
There was a chance of thunderstorms at the end of this week, but it is dwindling now. :(
Thunderstorms are rare here. I really miss them. I have mp3s of rain storms for when I really get dragged down by Summer heat and dryness.